Water, I guess

I didn't leave my bed yesterday except to sit on the steps outside my apartment and cry, a friend's arm over my shoulder a welcome warmth from the strange dry wind that doesn't belong in LA in May.

I didn't send any emails or make any calls.  I answered a couple texts.  It was the most I could do.

I slept a lot, mostly because when I was awake I felt like my heart might just give up.
I thought a lot, which sucked, so I slept again.
I ate a little.  A bowl of chick peas.  Then I regretted it.
I thought about calling my parents and telling them I couldn't get out of bed.  I thought they might have some useful advice.  I decided against it because what can they do from the other side of the country except worry.

I can't breath and my back hurts and my mind is unkind and my heart, my heart feels like a stone in my chest.

"Are you sick?" people ask.
Yes, I suppose so.

I said I am trying.  Most days I am.  But yesterday was an exception, because yesterday hurt more than most days and I didn't have the energy to try.

We all have these days, right?

Maybe.  I don't know.  Maybe I am just sick.

This is too big for me.

I'm coming back to good, soon, I promise, headed back to happy and things I love.  The rain helps, I think.  Whatever halfhearted version of rain we can get here, anyway.

I love when cars go by my window in the rain, the sound they make driving across the wet pavement makes it sound like it's raining harder than it actually is, like it's raining at all.  It's a soothing sound, as close as I am going to get to ocean waves from my apartment.
I love west coast beaches, I love their outrageous waves.  I love fighting back and losing to them, desperately holding on to my suit.  I love being thrown around in their fury and still getting up afterwards, miraculously alive, and I don't know what's tears or snot or salt water and my back is all scratched up from being pounded into the sand and I am laughing, looking crazy because now I'm cackling alone and red and sand all in my hair and still pulling my suit back up and I am just alive.
I love the idea that I might be able to just drift out to sea, and what would they do then.  They would just have to let me go.