That was 8 years ago,
it occurs to me too late.
It doesn't feel like 8 years at all. I could say it felt like yesterday, but I'd be lying.
It either feels like last year or another life; it's hard to tell, really.
It's happening more and more recently, as it is bound to do. People popping up on my Facebook news feed for the first time in ages because they are engaged.
And then, today, married.
I saw it coming, obviously, because... you know, engagement and stuff. And it wasn't weird, it was just... a strange reminder of what happens.
My immediate reaction was to lean over and grab the picture that's been leaning on my nightstand for, well, 8 years now, I guess. Bunk G7, 2005. My last bunk. We were a good bunk. Now we're getting married, it would seem.
8 years ago. I'm looking at the picture, I keep comparing your face in the photo to your face on my screen, it's so strange that I'm able to hold both simultaneously. It's strange what's happened. It's strange to write this now, after so long. I don't know you anymore, but, I mean, you're in my hands and all.
Just a few weeks ago was another reminder of G7. Real life, New York City, in the very middle of a sentence exclaiming how I hadn't seen any of those people in so long and how -- and there you were. When I first saw you -- I'll never forget this -- I thought I could never be friends with you because you looked like a Barbie doll and I didn't even know how to approach knowing someone so beautiful.
You made it easy.
8 years ago we were kicked of the porch of G7 in the middle of the night by the OD counselor. We were just talking. Listening to the soundtrack of the South Park movie, too, which in hindsight was outstandingly inappropriate.
Who knew that "Uncle Fucka" would have such a lasting presence in my life.
If that last line didn't make immediate sense to you, please don't read into it.
We fell asleep last every night, sneaking into each others' beds to talk until someone inevitably told us to shut up. We always thought we were being pretty quiet.
But that was
8 years ago
and I can't figure out if that seems like a long time or not.
Because it was only one year before high school, which does seem like yesterday sometimes, and at least a decade at other times.
And sometimes yesterday seems like longer than 8 years ago, and certainly last year is a time I can barely remember, and it feels like everything that happens just drifts so far so quickly, and I just
miss it
sometimes.
It's hard to tell the difference between missing and regretting. Looking back I think I could have done most of these things better. The opportunities drifted away before I was ready to really deal with them. I let too much pass me by without giving it what it deserved. But I've been trying to let go of that feeling. It gets me into trouble. And it doesn't make me happy, just stressed and disappointed and generally bummed out about myself.
The funny thing about missing it is, I wasn't nearly as happy. I have no reason to miss it. This year was its own shit adventure, sure, but overall, the last 4 years, I mean they've been pretty great. They've been really fucking difficult, and filled with terrible moments I never imagined, but that's its own kind of greatness too. And the happiness it's all brought me has been great. Greater than 8 years ago,
I think.
It's hard to remember now.
But I still remember thinking you looked like a Barbie doll the first time I saw you.
And I still remember the first time I went to a wedding where I, as a young person, could still tell that the couple was young too.
I remember dancing my face off at that wedding.
And I still remember when I freaked out and my mom told me, calm down, you have plenty of time,
and I didn't believe her.
And I still don't.
But I'm happy for you, and your wedding pictures are beautiful, and maybe 8 years is longer than I'm making it out to be.
